Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day

I am so frustrated right now. I took some time yesterday afternoon while the girls were sleeping to write a post (a LONG one actually) about the baby we lost back in 2005. I didn't post it right away because I wanted to wait until today since it's Pregnancy & Infant Loss Remembrance Day. The draft was there this morning and yet when I opened up the post a couple of minutes ago to post it, it was gone. A blank entry. I honestly don't have the energy to write the post again right now but here's the reader's digest version:

*found out I was pregnant Oct 25, 2004 & due July 2, 2005
*first grandchild on both sides so it was a very exciting time
*morning sickness was NOT my friend. I was sick all day, every day.
*first ultrasound was the day before my birthday in December. I was 12 weeks. Everything looked great. "BW" was moving around a ton and even waved to us.
*January 2005 rolls around and I'm still sick. So sick though that I ended up in the hospital becuase I was dehydrated.
*taking 8-10 pills (Diclectin) a day to help with morning sickness. And trust me, it helped but I was STILL sick
*January 14th - big gush of blood - off to the hospital we go
*heard the heartbeat - things seemed to be ok
*ultrasound on January 15th - baby moving around, heartbeat good and strong - even got a picture!
*back to the hospital waiting for the results of the u/s - waited literally all day
*report shows that my water broke. "BW" would not have a chance since I was only 16 weeks pregnant
*in a Catholic hospital so they won't do a D&E and they can't do a D&C since the baby is still alive (although it would only be a matter of time at this point)
*only one doctor in town who will do a D&E and he's not working this weekend (been on call for the past 3 weekends) LOVELY!
*given a prescription to start things 'naturally' and then head off to another hospital in town
*given more pills because the first two didn't work - finally things get underway
*can't believe I have to go through labour & delivery and then have empty arms at the end of it
*doctors say it is the best thing for my body - less evasive than a D&C - faster recovery
*most brutal pain I have ever experienced and I can say that now that I have had a 9lbs 13oz baby naturally.
*doctor explains the pain is because the uterus has only expanded a little bit - not like at full term when the muscles start to relax
*morphine doesn't help - they offer an epidural but I pass
*long night of labour - Ron stays with me in the hospital - on a cot.
*Nurses are AMAZING - so are the doctors
*6:15 January 16, 2005, "BW" is delivered
*issues with the placenta since it is still small (remember, I'm only 16 weeks pregnant). An hour later the doctor finally gets it out
*heartbroken, we go home to recover
*7 weeks later - still having issues. Thought this labour & delivery was supposed to be 'less evasive'
*iron level is at 9. Normal is 100-300
*OB puts me on the pill to stop the bleeding and hopefully get me feeling back to normal...whatever that may be
*the pill works BUT I start getting my period every 2 weeks.
*back to the OB - puts me on the pill for 3 months to give my body a 'good' kick start
*that seems to do the trick. Positive hpt December 16, 2005 - due date of August 25
*Rachel was born August 12, 2006
*positive hpt May 16, 2007 with a estimated due date of January 24, 2008
*heart skips a beat or two because I think back to Rachel being born 2 weeks early and I wonder if this baby will be the same. If so, the due date COULD be around the same date we lost "BW"
*fast forward to January 16, 2008 - I have a little conversation with Natalie and inform her I would really like her to have her own special day and that January 16 is BW's birthday.
*She listened and arrived January 18, 2008

So there you have it - in a nutshell, that's our journey to being parents. We are so happy to have 2 healthy little girls but we will never forget 'BW' - the only son we would ever have.